BirchBox Unboxing ♡ September ‘Happy Days’ Edition!
If you would like to try Birchbox out for yourself here is my referral link: http://birchbox.co.uk/?raf=26561 ♡
(Although i purchased the box myself they do provide everyone with a referral link. I receive Birchbox points that help to pay for items on the Birchbox store so if you use this link so it really helps :3)
Thank you to all of you who messaged me regarding my previous blog post. It was a really big step for me, i really really do not like sharing my feelings with people. I am notorious for telling people ‘fluff’ information about myself so they think they know me but really all they know is that i like nerds and video games. However, that post really helped me and i would like to continue to share some things with you if you don’t mind?
Any of my close friends reading this will probably suddenly realise that they most likely know nothing about me prior to when they met me.. and that if they do they don’t know any details. I am just very closed.. i have walls that could keep out the strongest of colossal titans. I have only shared the details of my past with very minimal people and if i have i still kept a lot of it to myself. So i apologise in advance to the people i hold dearest.. once ive known you for like a gazillion years and i am convinced that you won’t up and leave me i will probably open up a bit more.
I am not really sure why i am like this or what exactly caused it but i wish i could show how i feel a bit more. I mean even when people compliment me in person it just makes me anxious and nervous and i don’t really know how to respond to that. When i am given gifts i am internally running around with joy but on the outside i really have to try and show my gratitude so people know i am thankful. Now this isn’t because i don’t feel these things it’s because i just simply do not understand how to show it. My internal monologue is screaming how much i love the gift and the person giving it to me but there seems to be a barrier stopping that reaching the person.
I much prefer to give people gifts or write them letters.. that makes me feel really good and happy.. Recently myself & Nina swapped gifts and i loved mine all so much and it felt good because she seemed to love hers and it was all just positive and happy and that was really nice and a good step for me. <3 my little poop shoot!
Just little things like ‘omg you are such a great friend i love spending time with you’ is so impossibly hard for me to say i just tend to stick to typing those things to people. I am not sure if its a fear of rejection, that maybe they wont say it back so that holds me back? Or if i am literally incapable of expressing positive feelings.. maybe i am a cyborg? Even something like calling Martyn Stinky.. that to me is not a loving word so i am able to say it easily.. but he knows that is my loving word for him so it’s all good there!
It has gotten to the point many times in my past where i have felt people got too close too fast and i in turn completely distanced myself from them as it scared me.. that is not good!
I have talked about my previous blog post with my Mum today and she expressed that she thought i needed therapy for a long time.. as i never came to terms with a lot of the traumatic things that happened in my childhood. It was very easy for me to ignore these things as i was a stereotypical emo kid.. all my friends were ‘depressed’ so my own sadness and despair felt normal. I didn’t know any different because all my friends were this way too. It wasn’t until i got older that i noticed that my past effected my current relationships with colleagues, friends and partners.
For a long time i couldn’t even express my love for family members, it wasnt until my granny cried in front of me on my 22nd birthday and she said she thought i didnt love her. This broke me.. but fixed a part of me as well. That woman, that incredible woman, the person i look up to most in this world is crying because she thinks i don’t love her. Needless to say i always make sure i tell my mum and granny i love them regularly and i spend at least an hour a week on skype with them. Before this happened i would go months without any contact with them, because that just didn’t come naturally to me.. i dont know how to be social.. its a bit alien.
I am still working on showing my Dad how much i love him, being a 16 year old girl when i met him for the first time was daunting. But man he is so much like me.. which also makes it easier. He is also the best Dad ever for 100% sticking by me as soon as he found out i was his Daughter.
That’s all i feel like sharing today, some big realisations for myself and the first step i guess in knowing that getting some sort of help wouldn’t do me any harm. So many of my incredible friends really gave some great advice this past two days and thank you all for being so honest with me. It cant be easy telling someone you care about that they need to get some help, i really condone your honesty and loyalty.
Hopefully in the big wide world this resonates with someone and it can help them too in return.
I will be booking a Dr appointment tomorrow to look into therapy, i have been referred through the nhs a handful of times but i am naughty and never followed up with it. Stinky also thinks this is a good idea, i have the best stinky for being so supportive and not ever prying to deep or making me re live things i would rather forget. <3
Maybelline Baby Skin Instant Fatigue Blur ♡ First Impression!
A lot of you have asked that i try out the new Maybelline Baby Skin Instant Fatigue Blur Primer as i did previously try out the Pore Eraser ! Here are my thoughts on it :3
There are a few reasons why i want to make a post like this however, the main one is just to keep you informed and up to date with everything that’s going on. Before anyone says it themselves, i know i don’t owe anyone an explanation but i do believe if you share a certain amount of your life with a large group of people it’s just nice to keep them in the loop. Just as you would with any family members or friends. It was also suggested on twitter that i share some of my worries with you as it may make me feel better..
Usually when i have something like this to share with you all i tend to make a video about it, that tends to involve a lot of emotions flowing uncontrollably out of me and it briefly skims over the point i am trying to make. So this time i felt that writing it down would mean i could have more time to think about what i am saying and have it (hopefully) in a format that is easier to take in.
I warn you, this is a completely self centred post! I am fully aware there are people worse off than i, with bigger problems and harder struggles. But this is plaguing my mind and i need to share it.
To start with i would like to apologise that again i am not as involved in the vlogs as i could have been this past few weeks.. my video schedule on Beautaeyi has suffered and my play time with all my online friends has dwindled. To note it isn’t just one thing that’s fallen through the cracks it is everything. When my body decides it wants to give up trying there isn’t really much i can do about it.. i can fight it for a period of time but inevitably it only ends one way.
I constantly get asked ‘how hard is it to just pick up a camera?’ and ‘where are the videos?’ and ‘what exactly are you doing all day?’.
Some days physically picking up a camera, getting dressed, presenting myself is just too much. I am fighting to just wake up everyday, to get washed, dressed and fed. Then i have to figure out if i have the energy to do any of the things that as an adult i need to do. Then with what i have left i vlog or film a video etc.
I really want people to realise that YouTube is not my job.. its still a hobby for me. If i was well enough i would be working doing my dream job still and earning a good wage for myself and my little family. Yes i have more time now for YouTube and i adore that i can really focus on doing things i enjoy rather than what i felt i had to do. But it is still not a job.. i am not able to work so therefore i am not able to consistently pick up a camera every day.
ITLD & Beautaeyi are passion projects of mine, things that i do that i thoroughly enjoy and put my heart and soul into. I will never create content for either of the channels for the sake of it. I never want to put up filler content just to get more views or earn a bit more money. That is not me, i put up content i am proud of, that makes me happy and grows my passion for creating things. I am eternally grateful that so many of you (nearing 90,000) love watching our lives and going on this journey with us and i really do apologise that their isn’t content each and everyday for you, i wish i was well enough to do that.
I wish i was well enough to do a lot of things.. to imagine a healthy future.. the possibility of one day having children.. to think of a career i could follow… all of which i am unsure if i will ever have! This is real-life! This is something i am really struggling with, it is not just a made up persons baggage. I am a real person with real feelings and real problems. Although most of you have never met me, and just watch me through a screen, it doesn’t make me any less real. I am just like you.
I know its bad luck to share this sort of thing.. but my birthday wish this year was simple! ‘I wish that next year i am no longer ill’. Although i didn’t have a cake to blow out candles on, i lit a candle and made the wish to myself.
I can tell you that because i know it wouldn’t come true anyway. Yes i hopefully will get to a point where one day i am ‘better’ but i am always going to be ill. This is hard for me to take in and i thought i had finally accepted my fate but recently its obvious i haven’t.
Before New York i was in a really good state.. i was doing really really well, i had lost 7 lbs, which to me felt like i had regained control over my body. I was so happy about this.. i was obsessed with my weight gain since becoming ill and it was really taking a toll on my mental health.. but after feeling like i was making progress.. I was sleeping great and i was really proactive.
Every day i was doing something meaningful to me.. whether it was baking cupcakes, cooking nice meals, keeping on top of the cleaning, planning ITLD videos as well as keeping to my 3 videos a week on Beautaeyi. This was on top of going to the gym and barely taking any pain medication. I had regular breaks in between any activity and i always put my health first and it worked out well for me.
New york was a huge hit for me health wise, the travel there was a huge test of how stable my health was and ultimately i failed it. At the airport i just broke down after being awake for over 24 hours. I thought then and there that my trip was ruined, i honestly didn’t know if i would even make it to my Uncle’s wedding. Some how though after a long nights rest i seemed to be okay, i managed to do all the things i wanted to do and i was extremely proud of myself despite having to leave every meal early or decide to not hang around at places too long, but i don’t think any of my family minded.
Unfortunately though i couldn’t keep to my tailored diet which was keeping me so healthy and i was walking a huge amount and generally doing a lot compared to what i would do back home. I thought i had dodged a bullet though.. no Dr’s visits in America it was all good.
However its a month now since we’ve been back and i still haven’t recovered, its obvious that this isn’t still jet lag. I have pain all over my body constantly, extreme tiredness, fatigue, sickness, lack of motivation, unhealthy thoughts and i am unable to get some decent sleep. My routine has gone, im waking up around 11am again and struggling to sleep even at the early hours of the morning. I have re gained the weight i had previously lost and my overall health is extremely low.
I feel i have lost all my steps of progression that i made forward to managing my illnesses. I am in exactly the same position as i was when i was in and out of hospital and had to leave work. Which is extremely upsetting.
Worst of all my brain will just not SHUT UP! Every night before bed i worry i may not wake up, i think about my age obsessively and worry that i am getting older and older. If i am this unwell now at 24 what am i going to be like at 30? 40? even 50? Will i ever be able to work again? Will i ever be physically well enough to start a family (my ultimate dream and goal in life)? Let alone just make plans with my friends and not get so anxious that i may have to cancel.
This is all too real for me. Is this normal? Should i be worrying this much? Do i need to get help? Honestly i need some advice.
I have always been completely open about my fear of death. It is the only thing i am scared of and trust me i have experienced a lot that should of scared me. If you have watched my draw my life you will know that i didn’t exactly have a pleasant upbringing and i have seen and experienced a lot of terrible things. I have been scared of dying for as long as i can remember. I’ve been told that i was around two years old when i first voiced my concerns about dying. Was i born with this fear? How did i know about death?
Anyway the more i think about it though i am not actually scared of dying, i am scared of what happens after death. I am terrified that i do not know what happens. I cannot accept that this is the only life i have. That at any point this could all be over. Or the fact that there are people who go out of their way to be hateful, cruel, abuse people and even end peoples lives.
I cannot be the only person who feels like this and worries about it as much as i do? I understand as someone with diagnosed clinical anxiety that it is common to have these worries.. but to this degree? Should i be constantly thinking about this stuff?
Being ill means each day i am reminded that i cannot live life to the full and that an inevitable end is coming. I don’t want to have this negative cloud hanging over my head. Any wisdom, guidance, experiences you have had that could help me, i would really appreciate this. I don’t think it is something that medication or doctors could help me with. This is purely a spiritual struggle between what my heart wants and what i fear.
Whether you are a die hard ITLD fan, you enjoy my beauty videos or you just think i’m a bit weird and like to hear about my life.. i just want to thank you!
My passion, creativity and happiness levels are at an all time high.. and for once im not checking views numbers or worrying about my subscriber gain. I am just making videos i thoroughly enjoy!
The comment section has been a pleasure to read through and the support is stronger than ever! My health has been significantly better since i have been happier about what i am currently doing!
It doesn’t bother me that my Beauty channel has 7k subs and my vlog channel has nearing 90k. Because i am (for the first time) making content that i love and enjoy!
I wouldn’t change what i have for the world and it is all thanks to you!
Thank you for supporting both Martyn & myself in our vlogging! (ITLD)
Thank you for supporting my new beauty channel! (Beautaeyi)
I love you all so much ♡
Neutral Smokey Eye Tutorial ♡ Coral Pink Lips!
I have been so excited to recreate this look that so many of you loved on my instagram! I couldn’t wait any longer so i decided to sneak this video out early!
♡ Murad Mattifier
♡ Stila one step correct
♡ Elf flawless finish foundation - Porcelain
♡ Nars radient creamy concealer - Vanilla
♡ Make up forever setting powder
♡ Mac pro longwear paint pot - painterly
♡ Meet matte nude palette
♡ Diorshow maximiser
♡ Buxom mascara
♡ Kat von d studded kiss lipstick - L’Ecole Des Femmes
♡ Nyx butter gloss - Vanilla cream pie
♡ Nyx blush - Taupe
♡ Nyx blush - Angel
♡ Glossy box highligher - Cashmere
This months Glossy Box is here Yay! A whole bunch of new exciting products i haven’t seen before!
If you want to sign up for Glossy Box then follow this link: http://www.glossybox.co.uk/referal?CI=MTQ1MDEx (Although i purchased the box myself they do provide everyone with a referral link. I receive Glossy Dots that help to pay for boxes if you use this link so it really helps :3)
USA Drugstore Make Up Haul ♡ Nyx, E.L.F, Milani & More!
Thought it would be nice to show you the drugstore make up that i picked up whilst in NYC! I can’t wait to start doing tutorials and favourites and things!! I have been enjoying making these videos so much! Thank you for supporting me!!
SEPHORA HAUL ♡ Givenchy, Christian Louboutin, Bite Beauty & More!
Wahey here is part 2 in my NYC Sephora extravaganza :3 I am glad you liked the last one so much.. changed some bits up with my BG & editing so let me know what you think! (sorry lighting is a little yellow i had my lamp on & didnt notice) x
Lip Liner: Lip Brown - True Nude http://www.sephora.com/lip-liner-P183916?skuId=1007152v
♡ BOBBI BROWN:
Lip Gloss in Petal 3 http://www.sephora.com/lip-gloss-P270542?skuId=1352590
♡ BITE BEAUTY
Luminous Crème Lipstick Duo in Neutral - Lychee / Musk http://www.sephora.com/luminous-creme-lipstick-duo-P384986?skuId=1584259
Matte Crème Lip Crayon in Tatin & Sucre http://www.sephora.com/matte-creme-lip-crayon-P387705?skuId=1619600
Agave Lip Mask in Champagne & Normal http://www.sephora.com/agave-lip-mask-champaign-P387971?skuId=1619576
♡ NO COSMETICS
No Bleeding Lips - Secret Lip Liner http://www.sephora.com/no-bleeding-lips-secret-lip-liner-P383829?skuId=1533975
♡ URBAN DECAY
De-Slick Oil-Control Makeup Setting Spray http://www.sephora.com/de-slick-oil-control-makeup-setting-spray-P277222?skuId=1476159
Blendercleanser® solid http://www.sephora.com/solid-sponge-cleanser-P379449?skuId=1438407
♡ CHRISTIAN LOUBOUTIN
Rouge Louboutin Nail Varnish http://www.sephora.com/rouge-louboutin-P388556?skuId=1652155